The Menternet

BEEJ here, your suburban field reporter.I have been doing some investigative research on whether this new Subway generation of “healthy” (see:  GAY)  fast food offerings have effected the fast food business. As always I will remain objective in covering the faggots at Subway.

I decided first to take it to the meanstreets of Southern CT where REAL men live:  battling bitchy soccer-mom wives, fighting for tee-times, and surviving the Metro NIzzorth.

I first went to beloved Duchess.  I asked one of the employees about the new Subway FRESH FIT meals and I was smacked directly in the mouth before I could finish the question.  I thanked him and asked for another.

I then went to a Wendy’s and asked a group of construction workers who had all just ordered the new BACONATOR what they thought of the new healthy FRESH FIT meals at Subway.  They then proceeded to gang rape me.  I cleaned myself off, ordered a BACONATOR and left, trembling, but wiser for the time.

I then went to the UN where I found Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wearing a Columbia University sweatshirt and devouring a Subway Fresh Fit meal (with side of apples) while wiping his mouth with the American flag.  I spit on him and on my way home, dropped a BACONATOR off at Columbia University so those fags could taste what real men eat.

I decided to finish my investigation by getting to the source itself.  Subway.  I walked in and asked the manager about his Fresh Fit meals, my question was something like

“Is it hard for your customers to eat your Fresh Fit meals…what with the cocks in their mouths?”

I then shoved a BACONATOR in his mouth, halfway down his throat, not killing him but certainly making his eyes water.  I walked out to chants of “U.S.A. !! U.S.A !!”  as patrons started canceling their Fresh Fit orders and replacing them with Steak n Cheeses, and Footlong Italians with hots.

In the end, I have found that despite Subways’ best efforts, and the fact that we live in a increasingly pussified-Biggest-Loser-Oprah-Metrosexual world, real men will not be duped by this desecration of all things we hold dear:  Transfatty acids, bacon, super sizing, and the U S of fucking A.

BEEJ OUT