The Menternet

This hot scoop just in from our culture beat reporter, GBro:

Let’s be honest.  Is there ANYTHING more nerdy that a sports fanatic?

When I see a dude walking around wearing a MANNING jersey, like he’s dating the frickin’ quarterback, it makes me wonder.  When I’m at work and I see a sports geek dressed up like a baseball player because it’s “game day,” I start to think that the comic book guys are looking cooler by the second.

It all started back when some idiot got the idea to get together with several other idiots, and spell out a team name on their chests.  Sure, face painters and “Fat Guy Billboards,” while rowdy and obese, remain a small and generally benign group.  But really what’s the difference between that and dressing up as your favorite superhero and going to a comics convention?  I’ll tell ya: A comic book fan maybe does that once a year, whereas many football fans engage in such idiocy weekly… and shirtless.

But now that FANTASY SPORTS are on the table, it’s official: Sports Fans Are The New Nerds.  I hate to break it to you, but that shit is basically Dungeons & Dragons no matter which way you try to spin it.  It doesn’t matter that it’s based on “real” stats and “real” players.  If the word FANTASY is in the title, you’re on the express train to NERDVILLE.

Let’s break it down: You’re FATASIZING that you’re a coach of a professional sports team.  You’ve got a fake team that plays against other fake teams, and you keep an adorable little record, cute little logos, and all sorts of other nerdy shit.  These games exist only in each of your wildest fantasies.  You’re a NERD, homeboy.

Every time I see one of you meticulously combing through the sports section, highlighting your “players’” stats, I want to steal your lunch money and give you a wedgie.  I know it’s wrong, but look at you.  You kind of deserve it for being SUCH A DWEEB.

 You may not be using 12-sided die, and you may not be under the thumb of an all-powerful Dungeon Master,” but the level of delusion is on the par with if not greater than that of the craziest D&D basement-dweller.  I even had one nerd try to tell me that he “actually” was coaching a team, and does the “same thing that the real NFL coaches do”.  Sorry, bro, real NFL coaches get paid (and aren’t losers).

They also aren’t generally quite as GAY (no offense actual GAY dudes).  I simply can’t get over exactly how homo-erotic this “pretend coaching” is.  It’s bad enough that my co-worker is in a league with teams likes (I’m not kidding) “Pubic Wig Fuck Face,” “Sans Pants,” and “Magnum Cum Loudly,” but then I have to hear them talk about how they wish they had one another’s “tight end on their teams” so they could “really fuck their opponents” this weekend.  GET A ROOM ALREADY.

So before you sports types want to lob the phrase “nerd” or “geek” around just because you see a dude walking out of a comic store, you might just want to look in the mirror above that sweet Jeter autographed game ball you have on your mantle and rethink the football player costume you have all picked out for Sunday and see what you have become.

Sorry dogs.

I’ll leave you with a riddle:

Q.) Two dudes are sitting next to each other on the subway.  One is reading the FATASY FOOTBALL DRAFT BOOK, and the other is reading the newest issue of BLUE BEETLE.  Which one is gonna get laid first?

A.) The fantasy football guy, but it will be with another dude.

(Editor’s note: Many thanks GBro, I hope our sports beat writer, thrilldog, doesn’t take offense.)