Dear Menternet,
In my recent bout with unemployment which thankfully, appears to be drawing to a close, I have realized a couple of things. 1) I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich and 2) COPS is a great fucking TV show.
I’ll be the first to tell you, I am a sucker for a good domestic disturbance. Those women on COPS sure can take a punch. I also enjoy when John Q Law and friends enter a family home to find children everywhere and loaded guns strewn throughout the “estate”. My favorite is a hand gun next to a half eaten sandwich. Break out the bullets and Miracle Whip. (Editor’s note: funniest sentence I’ve read all day.)
But what I like best about COPS is the apprehension of “the perp”. The perp has options at this point. He/she can A) Go quietly (pussy) B) Run and hide or C) Resist.
B & C are my favorite.
Choice B - I love a good chase and 9 out of 10 COPS on the show are dreadfully out of shape and the microphone catches every huff and puff. However, the true reward lies in the hiding. Why? Because hiding usually leads to the canine unit. You can’t ask for better TV than seeing a big-ass German Shepard pull some dirty doper out of the bushes. Where is your meth now, Convict?!! Man’s best friend? Not for you, FELON!!
The grand champion though is choice C. The resist. It provides a myriad of possibilities. There are various forms of perp resistance - the wife beater, the drunk and my personal favorite, the angry prostitute. The angry prostitute can scrap. How do the fuzz combat this disregard for the law? A couple of ways.
First, there is the “Stop Resisting!!!” command. I have come to realize that by saying this, it gives said police officer carte blanche to beat the ever-living shit out of the perp. Now, if this doesn’t work, there is always a good hog-tie. Are you familiar with the hog-tie? It is when the legs are cuffed as well and attached to the hand cuffs, leaving the perp in a C shape. But the hog-tie is the silver medal. The gold medal goes too… The Taser.
I recently watched an episode of Cops entitled “Tased and Confused”. As you may guess, every apprehension was capped of by 50,000 volts of kick ass tasering goodness. Makes the nightstick look like a fucking Nerf bat. Yeah, the sights and sounds of a good tasing make for outstanding television.
In closing, I’ll say this, whoever said that crime does not pay never sat down for a COPS marathon. Crime DOES pay. And who is laughing all the way to the bank?
The home viewer.
Thank you.
