Well, well, well… it looks like my brothers and sisters from across the sound might be gunning for the independence they so deserve. Sunglasses for ALL!
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Long Island Wants to Secede | ||||
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Archive for the 'jokes' Category
Thanks to Bill for passing this one along. I highly recommend using it to prank call your stupid friends at work - all you need is a computer and some decent headphones that are not those silly earbuds that fill up with your own disgusting wax (seriously, you’re sick).
“But when?” you ask. Well, soon, and as per usual, we will be bringing you the hottest updates from around the net, across the world, and right in your stupid backyard.
Let the good times roll, mother effs.
Holy Crapsticks! Thanks to the one we call Spoony for throwing this glorious link our way.
You should be able to figure it out. In case you are slow (and/or from Delaware), here’s how it works.
1.) Put this up on your screen. BIG RED FUN BUTTON.
2.) Tell a joke like this one: “Hey, what’s the difference between jelly and jam?” “I can’t jelly my ____ in your ___!”
3.) Hit the red button. (Wait for noise.)
4.) Point at person you told joke to and say, “Ha, ha - now hit the road, you big sack o’ potatoes, you!”
Works every time. Guaranteed.
Great job. Congratulations everything.
I have seen a lot of things in the kitchens and on the floors of a few eateries and I have always been impressed with the gargantuan balls on many of our fine friends in the foodservice industry who continue to make the world safe for anyone who is trying his or her best to “keep it real.”
Well, this/these motherfuckers are most certainly on the path to keeping it realer than most, and we salute them. Read about all their glory right here.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
Before you get out and make the many mistakes you have planned for the weekend, please think about this. It speaks volumes about pee, electric fences, and life in general.
Thanks.
What is birth control?
The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant.
Hi Manternut. This is Johnny. I am 9 years old and go to school. I lik your website sometimes. When we had a picktur in my class, some lady was telling us to make a funny face. Some of the kids did what she said. I got in trouble.
Me and the Moms have been close ever since I shot out of her like a fleshy cannonball some time ago, but normally, we are not on the same page when it comes to email comedy. Usually, she sends me some warning about a scam where a guy in a suit is trying to give you 5 bucks that you dropped then you end up violated and cut (in no particular order), or political stuff that is only funny if you’re a pissed-off white person in the suburbs who dislikes brown people, but this one really got me.
I bet she was like, “Oh fuck, that is too much. It’s like the animals are people. I wonder if he packed a lunch. HA! What would it be? Nuts? Oh, I bet it would be a bag of nuts! HA! That’s funny too - a little bag of nuts! Oh, the boys are going to love this. You know what, I think I will do that open mic night at the Driftwood after all!”
