Archive for the 'cars' Category
Slone13 here again with some more 4 Fast 4 Furious hot chick casting news. It looks like the producers of the 3rd sequel to the now legendary and ultra awesome The Fast and The Furious are pulling out all the stops now. They’ve gone to the hot chick well again and this time they’ve returned with a bucket of Michele Rodriguez. That’s right, Ms. Rodriguez will be reprising the roll she nearly won an Oscar for opposite Vin Diesel in the original Fast and Furious. Now I’ve heard rumblings from message board losers that Michele Rodriguez is too “manly”. To them I simply say, fuck you. I think P!NK and Fergie are hot, too. What are you gonna do about it? That’s what I thought.
For more Fast & Furious discussion and a great Marsala recipe, email me at slone13@fakemail.com
Car - check.
Coat - check.
Burn stuff - check.
Modelesque Chick - check.
Jiggle - check.
Alright, looks like we’re ready to do this. Enjoy the new hotness:
Man, this is the best thing to happen to combines since I lost my left arm in one of these babies back in ‘88 (still living off the settlement, bitches). Apparently, a bunch of people get together to watch the heavy machinery equivalent of Godzilla On Monster Island. It involves a good amount of booze-houndery and a great amount of smashing into each other.
This just in from the newswire, if you have a booming, thunderous voice like our good pal Slone13, your swimmers will shout their way to eggtown every time. Ladies be warned: you could get preggers just talking to these dudes
This time, we’re saluting the hot piece from the car wash scene in Cool Hand Luke - Patty Jo “Joy” Harmon. Ms. Harmon, makes T.O.T.G. look easy and natural, setting the bar pretty high for future boob / car wash / jiggly moments in film.
She has since become a baker http://www.auntjoyscakes.com. You go, Patty Jo.
There I said it. Some folks say, “Animation is for babies.” I say, “A good story is a good story.”
“No, no, no, no! You homos are doing this all wrong! Let’s try it again, only with bigger shit clouds, more tits, and some of those slow motion circling around people shots… and where the fuck are all the giant American flags we ordered?!”
When it comes to complete and utter badassery there’s really only one name that should pop into your head. Some trendy hipster douches who think they know something about pop culture would have you believe it’s Chuck Norris. Now I’ve got nothing against the Texas Ranger, but I’m sorry, he just doesn’t cut it. Other people might declare Special Agent Jack Bauer as the # 1 go-to guy for some sweet ass-kicking, but they’d be wrong, too. Cause no matter how much I may like Jack Bauer, and believe me, he gives me major wood, he simply can’t hold a candle to my main man, John Motherfucking McClane. If you don’t know who John Motherfucking McClane is, please place your head firmly back into your asshole and crawl back to Boystown, cause there is no hope for you. The rest of you, however, I would like to invite on a journey. Travel back with me. Way, waaaay back to the summer of 1988. Michael Jackson’s BAD was heating up the airwaves, Ronald Reagan was fighting communism from the oval office, and a little movie named Die Hard was about to light up the silver screen. NOBODY knew who the hell John Motherfucking McClane was back then and almost everybody’s first reaction to hearing about Die Hard was “That movie with the guy from Moonlighting?” But those stupid assclowns would know who the hell he was soon enough. The world was about to be introduced to it’s last great action hero. You see, there is simply no denying the total and utter awesomeness of John Motherfucking McClane. This is the man who spent an entire movie barefoot, running around with shards of broken glass stuck in his foot, trying to save his wife from terrorists. This is the man that hung Alexander Godunov (RIP) up by a chain after taking one of the most brutal beatings this side of the Rio Grande. This is the man who jumped off the top of an exploding 80 story building with nothing more than a firehose tied around his waste. But that was 20 years ago. A lot has changed since then. Michael Jackson is now some sort of white sexless alien thing and Ronald Reagan is pushing up daisies. (Like 2-Pac and the Pope, you left us too soon, Gipper.) The heroes and icons that we grew up loving have all disappeared, fallen from grace or ridden off into the sunset like Gary Cooper. Save for one. John Motherfucking McClane. I now present for you the trailer for Live Free or Die Hard (aka Die Hard 4 to the layman). Please take a moment and check it out: http://www.livefreeordiehard.com/index_site.html I saw it for the first time today. After wiping my man juices off my computer screen I watched it again. And then I watched it again. Did McClane just turn a fire extinguisher into a bomb with a swift kick and a well placed bullet? Holy shit my Christ he did. Was that a fucking taxi cab I just saw him using to take down a helicopter?? Fucking-A right it was. Was that “Ode to motherfucking Joy” I heard playing in the background??? You bet your goddamn ass. You heard it here first. John McClane is back, and I am giving Live Free or Die Hard 4 stars. “But you haven’t even seen the movie!” some of you idiots may point out. “You’re basing your review on a trailer!” others simpletons will bleat To all those people I simply say “Fuck off”. Unbeknownst to almost everyone, I was born with a special gift. It is the uncanny ability to accurately review and critique any movie based solely on the trailer. (Only once in my life have I ever been wrong, back in 1997, when I gave Starship Troopers 4 stars. Turns out when I finally saw the actual movie it was really more of a 3 star joint.) Anyway, as I said before, I am giving Live Free or Die Hard a 10. Two thumbs up. 4 out of 4 stars. All that shit. John Motherfucking McClane may be a lot balder now then he was 20 years ago, but he’s still the baddest-ass sumbitch around. And I am personally going to guarantee that this movie is going to blow your fucking socks right off your cocks. It doesn’t even matter that the annoying schmuck from the Mac commercials is in it, it’s impossible for this movie to suck. And if for some ridiculous reason you fail to be completely entertained, I will reimburse you the price of your ticket. Despite what the box office numbers may tell us, the 2007 summer movie season is in dire need of some saving. Spider-Man and Jack Sparrow tried and failed miserably. But John Motherfucking McClane has returned to save us once again. Yippee Kai Yay, motherfuckers. For ticket reimbursement please send your stub to me at the following address: Slone13 123 Fake Street Apt. X New York, New York 10036
