The Menternet

You know those boners you get when you’re watching a really great movie?  Not a porn movie, though those are good, too.  No, I’m talking about action movies, and action movie boners.  The kind you get when you’re watching Die Hard or Predator or Raiders of the Lost Ark.  You real men know what I mean.  It’s that totally raging wood you get when John McClane jumps off the roof of Nakatomi Plaza with nothing but a fire hose wrapped around his waist.  Or when Arnie goes mano-a-mano with the Predator.  Or pretty much any time Indiana Jones does anything.

Now you may not have heard, but there’s a new Indiana Jones movies coming out this week.  It doesn’t really matter what it’s called.  It could have been titled Indiana Jones Takes a Massive Shit and then Falls Asleep on the Couch and I was gonna be there.  Well, I was.  I just got back from a press screening in Philadelphia of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  The verdict?  Bonerville.  Complete and utter Bonerville. 

Two hours of awesome, knock your socks off, kick you in the ass action from start to finish.  Put aside any skepticism you may have had.  Disregard any fears of witnessing another Phantom Menace.  The Beards (Lucas and Spielberg) have done it.  And when I say “Done it” I mean “punched you hard in the nuts with an awesome summer movie”. 

The best part?  Harrison Ford actually decided to act again.  Unlike the crap he’s been phoning in for the last 15 years, Ford makes Jones crackle with the kind of charisma we haven’t seen since, well… probably Last Crusade.  Karen Allen is back as Marion Ravenwood and holy fucking shit my Christ I’ve got to go back and amend my MILF list, cause this lady just launched to the top of it.  Kate Blanchett play a sexy Russian who has a thing for swords and even the Disturbia/Transformers kid, Shia Thebeef, impressed me. 

I could go on and on, but why bother?  You’ll have a much better time watching the movie then reading about how much I wanted to suck its dick. 

Indy 4 is the best movie of 2008.  Hands down.  “But it’s only May.” you say?  Well to that my only response is “Fuck off”.  

Buy your tickets now and grab a pair of sweatpants.  Indiana Jones is back.

As always, if you have any comments, criticisms or insults, please feel free to email me at Slone13@hotmail.com.

You want to see a feel good movie for the holidays? Then get your ass to see The Mist. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else has said about the movie. I’m telling you here and now that if you want to walk out of a movie and feel good about yourself, feel good about your life, however miserable it may be, THIS is the movie to see.

Let me be clear about this. The Mist is one fucked up movie. One REALLY fucked up movie. And I’m not just talking about the premise. (A bunch of people in a small New England town get trapped in their local supermarket by terrifying horrible creatures not of this earth.) I’m talking about the whole thing. Right up to the gut punch of an ending that literally had me speechless, staring at the credits with my mouth agape as the end credits rolled. No, I’m not going to ruin the ending or anything, that’s not my thing. I just want you to know that I haven’t seen a movie that devastated me like this in a long, long time.

So where do I get off calling The Mist a “feel good” movie? Well let me tell you. Never before in cinematic history have I ever been so glad to NOT be a character from a movie. Never before have I walked out of a theatre and thought “Shit, I thought I had problems, but those people in that supermarket… they’re fucked.”

From now on, whenever I’m feeling down, whenever that overwhelming sense of anxiety sweeps over me, whenever I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up, I’m gonna pop a copy of The Mist into my DVD player. Cause nothing will make you appreciate your shitty life more than this complete mind fuck of a movie.

So do yourself a favor and see The Mist. It will make you feel great about your miserable existance.