A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Thank you, Yahoo for taking news to new highs. If you guys are bored over there, please feel free to submit articles to The Menternet. We’re always on the prowl for fresh talent and people who aren’t afriad to mock entire cities. (You, my friends, are the bravest.)
Before you get out and make the many mistakes you have planned for the weekend, please think about this. It speaks volumes about pee, electric fences, and life in general.
Christie Brinkley! Everyone’s favorite uptown girl who gave all sorts of doughy, droopy-eyed dudes from Long Island hope that there was a woman way out of their league just waiting to make them pancakes whilst dancing around in a bikini (ladies take notes: that is the secret number 1 male fantasy that no one ever talks about). She drove Clark Griswold wild in National Lampoon’s Vacation and did some other stuff too. Nowadays, she still does stuff and we are told, she is a rabid Islanders fan (yes, she has rabies). (Editor’s note: No, she doesn’t. Not at all.)
Menternet Challenge: can anyone find the photo of Gabrielle Reese that copies this classic Brinkley pic? Best of luck.
Hello there. Why don’t you look wonderful today? Enough of this small talk. In order to help you minimize your carbon footprint (we hear this costumes are all 100% organic, fair trade (thanks Chris Martin), and use the latest “minimal-fabric” technology) and to reach your mistake quota for the year in a mere one or two weekends, we suggest you peruse this fine selection of Halloween gear and pick the costume that best reflects who you want to be on the greatest bar holiday of the year. Now let’s eat some candy and wrestle! Who’s with me?
God bless the scone-eating bitches that came up with this one. Studies show that if you swear at work, you get more done and do it better. It’s about God damn time. Saying the shit that is on your mind cuts through the muck of bureaucratic blowjobbery and gets right to the point. Try it out now if you’re at work, you silly little cockshit.
Read the report from the Brits that finally confirms that human resources can suck my motherfucking dick here.
